If 1:14 and 2:34 don’t give you an aneurism, check your vital organs. Something may be seriously wrong with you.
This and the last Traveling Circus episode might be the only times anybody goes to Brian Head Utah this year, but man that double kind Y rail is all the rage right now. Congratulations are owed to Khai Krepala, who followed a litany of broke pro skiers to the podium of Rails 2 Riches so they could buy more weed and pay rent. Huzzah!
There is simply too much going on in the current ski industry not to write an extended rambling journal entry that would make anyone with a basic handle on sentence structure cringe. On Friday I made my way down from Jackson Hole to Salt Lake City – whose populace Travel + Leisure recently ranked as the second least attractive nationwide – to network my way into a variety of new industry bro-lationships at the Powder Video Awards (thanks to Matt Hansen for a ticket!), and then stick around for a TGR-hosted workshop at Snowbird starting tomorrow that will involve insanely unrelatable things like wilderness rescue and first aid, rope work, and avalanche safety.
I’m not sure if Candide was at Powder Awards, since I missed the entire show. But any time he drops an unedited GoPro video with no soundtrack, people sure do freak the fuck out!
I immediately ran into Josh Malczyck, who complained that Will Wesson, Shane McFalls, and Erik Olson were all turned away at the door for not having tickets, despite their obvious celebrity status, and that more normal Salt Lake City folk were not let into the event. He pushed me to write an expose on the injustice, but for not having the balls to write something himself despite his fiery rhetoric, I will only grant him a sentence here. At any rate, I arrived so late that I missed the entire show, but was nonetheless able to catch up with a variety of industry people none of you care about hearing about. Moving on.
Hey, a new Traveling Circus! Too bad it couldn’t get them in the door…
A big storm blew in for Sunday, and I was able to harang a ticket to Alta (thanks Joe Johnson!) and a ride with former TGR employee Than Volk to the mountain. Despite an interest in catching up with Team Yoke, Shane couldn’t be moved to ski a place as cliquey as AltaBro, nor ski powder at all. Instead he took to “the streets.” I don’t quite get the appeal of doing that on a powder day, but then again, I live in a place with almost no handrailings and most of my neighbors are skinning elk in the garage on the weekends. I digress.
Sweetgrass superprobro Eliel Hindert was not at Alta, but he just dropped his super hipster season edit. Good thing he didn’t blow an ACL skiing all those ferns!
Somehow we got second chair on Collins, and the line-up at the lift corral read like an old Matchstick movie: Kent Kreitler in a green jumpsuit, Daron Rhalves with his Red Bull helmet, the Crist brothers (or one of them), and a host of newb big-mountain talent including the Sweetgrass crew, who had finally put clothes on again after walking around naked upon winning their Movie of the Year award. Sage Cattabriga-Alosa, Ian McIntosh, and John and Angel Collinson were all in the base lodge at lunch too, but even though I’m now on the TGR payroll, my selective anti-social tendencies regarded an introduction as simply out of the picture. It was great, however, catching up with Carston Oliver, who I am excited to report is still eating all kinds of weird chillis to get his thrills instead of getting drunk or high like the rest of the industry. He was lapping the jumps off of Wildcat all day, and I didn’t even bother asking to ski with him since I go at an intolerably slow pace if at all possible, and Cartson’s average speed downhill is somewhere around 1800 mph when he’s not attempting cork 1080s off of enormous cliffs.
Carston warned me that his extensive trips to Japan over the years since the Fukishima disaster may have left him heavily radiated, so I kept my distance. In related news, I learned the the smog that usually hovers over Salt Lake and blocks from a full view of the West’s biggest copper mine across the valley largely consists of chlorine gas and emissions from wood stoves, fireplaces, and grills, and that the city is overdue for a giant earthquake. I can’t wait to retire to the safety of Jackson Hole, which currently sits above a super-volcano packing a 1,500 square mile magna chamber that would vaporize everything within 100 miles with an eruption 1,000 times greater than that of Mt. St. Helens. People have surmised that this catastrophic event was the apocalypse that sets the stage for Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, so at least I’ll be long dead before the rest of you have to worry about being eaten by gangs of roving cannibals.
That’s all for today from the City of Saints. In other news, I’ll be rooming with Nick McNutt for this TGR avalanche workshop, so that’s good news that homeboy is getting his due and possibly a chance to be filmed from 8 helicopters this winter. Anybody want me to ask Nick a question? Newschoolers does that shit all the time and it seems to work for them.
Well, rails have already been dug into the frozen ice at hills around the country, and the plentitude of park skiers who don’t wait for soft snow to start trying shit in the park have begun to sow their wild oats on colorfully painted handrails and boxes across this great nation. Charlie Dayton came on our radar in a recent episode of The Weak and we demanded more. Jeremy Veilleux has made the very thrilling decision (for us) to move to Bear Mountain, which we have been overly obsessed with since it was the best level in Amped Snowboarding years ago. But which rules the early shred roost?
Charlie Dayton at Killington?…
In what is perhaps the most audacious of their attempts to date, the diligent minds behind robot-human sensation Nick Goepper have pulled out all the stops in the latest episode of what they are calling Project Why Won’t You Fucking Love Him Already?!
While previous installments of the Goepper administration’s polemical project fell short of their intended targets, hopes are high that a breakthrough has finally been made. “We took some time off to really sit down and think about just what went wrong last time,” said the Goepper House Chief Of Staff. “One of our main failings in the early incarnations of this project was that we underestimated just how little anyone cared to see Nick skiing on his own,” he went on. With that in mind, Goepper’s publicists abandoned the solo-shred avenue, and focused on proving that Nick “totally has friends, okay guys?”
“Nick loves to just kick it and ski with the gang,” the spokesperson continued, “and although we were a little apprehensive about a group calling themselves the ‘Pelican Squad,’ we thought hey, that might just be the quirky twist we were looking for. Pelicans and skiing – I mean how irreverent can you get?”
Armed with this renewed enthusiasm, Goepper’s publicists released NG and Pelican Squad on the Road to Sochi on Newschoolers.com. And boy did they pull out all the stops. Not only did they abbreviate Nick’s name to “NG” (hey, edgy!), they tactfully and wittily filled in the video description and credits with sarcastic references to Olympic training. “Sarcastic…?” one member of Goepper’s camp was heard saying moments before being yanked away from the microphone by another panicked staff member.
Throughout the video Goepper can be seen and heard denouncing the criticisms that have been previously directed towards his comp-jock persona and general lack of human qualities. There is a distinct focus on giving Nick a chance to speak directly to his fans, something that was missing in previous edits. “We spent a lot of time updating Nick’s speech functions. Err, I mean we just told Nick to let loose and show the people his funny side,” explained one of Goepper’s technicians. In addition to improved speech patterns, Goepper’s style was also given a further, more rugged update. “We really liked what we saw with the no-poles technique last time, and we wanted to carry on in that vein,” explained Goepper’s style liaison. “One of the big criticisms we got last time was the weird, properly-fitting outerwear Nick had on, so we went in a totally different direction. As you can see, Nick’s unbuttoned flannel really shows he is a man of the people. ”
While some strides do appear to have been made amongst the plebeian general populace, many Newschoolers members remained skeptical. Indeed the funny thing about Nick’s self-deprecating edit is that he is still training for Sochi. And although it may seem kooky and quirky to suggest that doing so is so laid back and fun, bro, the reality of it is that when you try too hard for something, you lose the critical distance that humour relies upon.
No statement has yet been released from Goepper’s camp as to whether this is the final nail in the coffin of Nick’s foray into non-comp ski culture. But with the games in Sochi fast approaching, Goepper’s people will have to make tough decisions as to what slant they wish to put on his image. “I just don’t know anymore,” lamented one executive, “that straight-cut outerwear is really calling to me.”
Exhibit A: Nate Abbot as “little fuckin artsy nerdy dudes that wanna keep to themselves and do their own thing but the big bad gang leaders want a piece of that ass,” in the words (indirectly) of Logan Imlach. Hey, is that Jossi Wells?!?
It has recently come to light to the broader public that ski media often has a difficult time producing negative reviews of almost anything in skiing. Freeskier’s senior editor Nate Abbot first published a slightly trembling Facebook post asking if he should post a critical review of a ski movie, to which the resounding reply was “yes.” He then went on to produce a review of the street skiing segment in Into The Mind on his personal blog, which he criticized as containing little of the magical charm and incredible skiing of JP’s original creative street segment in All.I.Can, and largely cast it as an ad so Sherpas could land a Visa commercial.
As things go in the wide open world of the internet, the critique was soon posted on a Newschoolers thread by the ever-vigilant “Moose,” who trolls the internet for controversial topics to raise from his frozen hovel up in Quebec from behind a plate of steaming poutine (please send some here next time you send out the NS annual magazine). That opened a wider discussion about ski media’s general lack of ability to openly critique nearly anything in the industry, despite the availability of boring ski movies, dumb products, and pro skiers walking around Vail Village like it’s Trenchtown Jamaica, flowing dreads in tow, without anyone even bringing up the concept of irony inherent in such a contradiction.
Some hated on Abbot for being a pussy for not publishing it on Freeskier.com or even in the magazine, and argued that such a thing would bring true value to the consumer. You could argue is should be posting this over on TGR for the same reason, but I like doing this shit on the ‘BOMB anyway and haven’t done so in too long. And others criticized The Moose for opening controversial conversations and letting others say what he was thinking for him – both of which hint at the conflict that paid advertising presents in any “professional” media organization.
It’s Monday morning, sometime in late November. The tagline on the Weather Network’s forecast reads “Today’s milder temperatures prove that even Jack Frost has a soft spot”. I want to punch the clever bastard who came up with that right in the mouth. But I can’t, and instead I suppress the furious anticipation building inside me – the one that just wants to fucking ski, please. The truth is though that outside of the greater Montreal area, the ski season is lurching into motion and with it a whole host of things to occupy my waking hours. As salty veterans (that’s a lie, I’m 19) of the special angst that accompanies the first few weeks of the skiing calendar, we at BroBOMB are pleased to bring you our sortof-annual guide to navigating the ins and outs of that seductive mistress the early season.
Step one: Acquaint yourself with the latest trends in ski fashion. The last thing you want is to show up for the 2014 season dressed in 2013’s threads. In keeping with the inclination towards tighter-fitting outerwear that’s invading the mainstream of ski attire, your look this year should show off those knobbly, white bread knees and that lanky-ass torso of yours. Saga (my new favourite punching bag) is doing their best to appropriate hesher style and beat it into the ground, so look to them first for your slim fit camo garb. If you’re upset that the skittle kids from your local hill are stealing your crusty 20-something style, the best course of action is to subvert their feeble little brains. Steal their style, and show up in the baggiest shit you can find kicking around the big-n-tall section of wherever it is you buy your gear. The only way to take back the one thing that set you apart from the rest of the freeskiing world is through reverse psychology. Once the youngsters see your gangster $wagg, they’ll realize they never actually wanted to wear Carhartt’s on the hill, they just did it ‘cause, y’know, that other guy did it too.
They long for myriad-XL’s. Show them the way. Step two: Complain. Nothing will get you back into the skiing mood like a healthy dose of whinging. The more you complain about stuff, the less you have to focus on the fact that you can’t spin past 450. Fun things to complain about include:
-How shitty the weather is.
-How shitty your local hill is.
-How you can’t land any of the tricks you totally landed last season.
Step three: Watch every episode of your favourite web series in order. Last year I watched one episode of Traveling Circus a night for 31 nights before the season started and it was great. Don’t cheat and watch more than one episode a day, because you will regret that shit dearly. It’s sort of like an exercise in self-flagellation, but it’s worth it in the end. Also, once you exhaust the reserves of your fave series’, check out the ones you swore you’d never watch again. In hindsight, Chug Life is pretty funny.
This is funnier than you’d probably like to admit
Step four: Move out West. You want to ski a proper mountain before Christmas? Yeah, you’re gonna need to go west, young man.
Today we’re featuring our first all-PNW Armed Am Edit Battle. We’re not really sure where the Pacific Northwest is but we thought the only people that lived there were snowboarders, Josh Malczyk, and Zach Giffin dropping 300 foot cliffs. Guess we were wrong.
Armed Am Jamie Baril
I was waiting to see If anyone would take notice of this edit, and seeing as no one has, here it is. I guess that is why I am here. Happy Halloween Bitches. – Peter Fitts 10/31/13
Armed Am Kevin Curran
This kid is a slayer. There’s even some backcountry! #JeremyJonesHigher. But the real question is: how many more seasons will the major ski pole companies have before they go out of business? It seems that the park kids are tossing their poles at a rate faster than Moore’s Law.
Get ready to trip your face off with some soft focus, snowboarding, Quebexican Whalers fans, and Doritos. Jeremy Veilleux is apparently headed off to Bear for the season and did a final good-bye ski with Chompton, so with Kieran McSlay going to Pomona and shredding Bear on the reg as well, we can only hope that one of their friends owns a camera and we get a season’s worth of Bear footy out of those two shreds. Please?