You know you suck at park skiing when you’re too pussy to wear a tee shirt and no gloves in the spring because you’re worried about getting rug burn and cold hands. I’ll be the first to admit as much so the rest of you cowards don’t have to.
What the hell is going on this week?!?!? It seems that every skier worth watching dropped their best edit of the season, even if it was just a single trick. While we’d been scraping the bottom of the barrel in April for content, now there’s some stupid good video popping on Facebook every ten minutes. Enough already! If you’re sitting on an edit as good as anything we’ve already posted so far this week, please, for the love of god, hold onto it for now. We’re running out of gas writing witty comments for all these videos and would also love not to have to go back to postung edit battle between two amateurs who spend the whole video coming off the rail early to do a front 2.
Internal dialogue, translated into English: “Hey American nerds! First of all, you guys are all pussies for not playing slalom with the t-bar line and terrifying every living person at the mountain by jumping over them, and also for wearing helmets. Second, I’m so goddamn good at skiing my GoPro edits don’t even need songs to be incredible. Quiksilver doesn’t even bother! Your Andrew Whiteford is trying way too hard.”
Boom! It’s a big week for the BroBomb Edit Battle section. First we had McNutt going head to head with Shay Lee, with fewer people opting for the handjob option than expected. Only 24 hours later we’re dropping two of the hottest tricks of May 2013 – Adam Delorme’s cork 5 to tailslide (?) vs. Grigory Fuzeev’s hand-drag dub flat 7. And hey, Nick Goepper did a triple! Must’ve been all those secret moon water injections aboard the Red Bull helicarrier, which is currently sending mind control rays from its secret base in the South China Sea. At any rate, it’s time to go head to head for the best single trick of the week. Is it Delorme’s 2018-level tail butter (future butter?)…
By now you’ve likely seen the unreal POV edit Whistler guy Nick McNutt put out late last week. Nick’s the first guy since Andrew Whiteford to make a name for himself purely off his POV edits, partly because he skis like a maniac and partly because he chooses music that could really offend very few people, unlike the majority of edits I click play for and then delete the page because I can’t stand the goddamned awful hip hop or reggae being thrown over what may be worthwhile skiing. At any rate, I was all excited to give myself credit for scouting Nick as one of the most promising up and comers to roll out of last season in our “10 Best Skiers of 2012″ post, but alas, I never actually wrote that piece. Damn schizophrenia!
Yes, this is one of those “big mountain” videos highlighting the kind of skiing very few of you understand. No, we don’t understand why you have to climb down stairs at the top of a mountain to go skiing. Sure seems like they use a lot of ropes, too. We’re not sure what a “carabiner” is, but we can only guess that its name came from some climbing equipment manufacturers who hated Mexicans, and that its only use is for building slacklines in extreme situations, and we HATE slacklining (don’t do it!). Nonetheless, the good news is that next year’s JJs will be all white, ending the ski’s heritage of insanely ugly graphics. We don’t expect to get much comment on the video from JP, as receiving e-mail communication from him is about as rare and cherished as seeing a buffalo in the streets of Jacksonville, Florida. At any rate, someone should really give him more batteries for his GoPro. Haven’t those guys built drones to deliver extra batteries to athletes worldwide yet? Wait, I forgot – Red Bull bought them all to film their helicopters filming helicopters filming planes filming hovercrafts delivering poisonous sugar water, jet packs, and helicopters made of gold bullion to Travis Rice in the remotest regions of the Chilean backcountry.
Having just joined the Moment team this winter, 28-year old Team Make a Mess member Jon Hartman became the oldest jibber to make a ski team since Josh Lubeck won the tryouts for the Mammoth High School ski team by throwing shirtless flairs over the actual high schoolers half his age. This lack of older gents in the professional ranks is due in large part to the fact that by age 25, most park skiers realize how stupid they look wearing a large tee shirt over their outerwear in the middle of February. We sat down with Luke Jacobson, Chief Jort Enthusiast at Moment, to get the skinny on why they would make such a horrendous mistake.
BroBomb: Can I get a blurb about the justification behind putting a 28-year old graphic designer/aging jibber on the Moment team?
Jacobson: He wouldn’t stop emailing me for 2 years…. Also, he films more than a 15 year old and loves skiing more than most people do. He is unique, real, and has so much fun its ridiculous. Thats whats important….fun and #sochi
BroBomb: Who can black out harder, you or Jon?
Jortcobson: Oh man, it really depends what season it is. And what we are drinking. I appreciate Jon for being able to hang with terrible terrible combinations of drinks, like Astronaut Piss (Fernet shot with a well tequilla back) or a Space Jam. We can both go pretty deep.
BroBomb: What about a Fernet face-off?
Jortman Luke: Fernet face-off? I honestly think I would win. Anything else I think he would take me. I’ll admit that.
BroBomb: Are there any other older jibbers you’re scouting these days?
Jortcation Jacobson: Is David Crichton 30 yet?
*Editor’s note: Did you sell all your tee shirts this winter for ski gloves or drugs? We know the answers is yes, and we also know you sold the gloves for more drugs. But it’s spring and that triple-tall sweatshirt you hand-sewed behind mom’s back ain’t gotta hold it down in the summer heat. So hop on over to the store and buy a Medium or XL BroBomb Mike Tee for only $10! Everyone’s doing it, even Satan himself!