Guide to Summer: Fitting In

By Jon Hartley7 Comments

GuideToSummer

It’s summertime and that means you’re counting the days until you head to camp on a glacier or way down south. You’ve watched every last edit on the internet, and your blunt 9’s are on lock on the trampoline. What else could you possibly need to do? Well, you’re lucky BroBomb is here to help you, because you’re forgetting one huge factor: What if you get to camp and you totally don’t fit in? You know you’re cool at your local ant hill, but who knows how you stack up with kids from all over.
Follow our advice and you’ll have a guaranteed crew of like-minded bruddas to bro down with. If there’s one thing that unites skiers, it’s a fascination with imitating Jamaican culture. It’s a time-honored tradition with endless possibilities for a successful Rasta summer, but here are the basics:

Background:
You’ll need to be rich. If you’re not rich I’d recommend going for hick thug, but somebody shelled out thousands of dollars for you to play on a mountaintop glacier for a week, so I think you’re alright. Keep in mind that denying your privileged background is as much a part of this scene as coming from a privileged background. Do not mention that your daddy is a lawyer or a judge under any circumstances; unless, of course, you get arrested for puffin’ da ganja. Then it’s time to cry like a baby and scream, “Do you know who my daddy is?!?” until the cop gives in.

Music:
It’s obligatory that Bob Marley makes up at least 50% of the songs on your iPod. There are only eleven official BM&W studio albums, so you’ll need to get all of them. Then you can either delete some non-irie Babylon music, or up your Bob Marley count with remixes and cover albums.
To compliment Bob you’re allowed any of the following: Up to three albums by a Marley that isn’t named Bob, all albums by that guy that Tanner Hall likes, and a maximum of two records by white roots-rock impostors.

Clothes:
It can’t be too hard to find a skirt length hoodie in rasta colors, Jamaican flag print, or emblazoned with Jah’s friendly lion. That will do for on hill attire, but you can’t be a one trick pony and wear that thing when you’re back at the base. You’ll need to raid your local mall for enough of those half-Bob, half-lion shirts to last the week. Then find your mom’s 10,000 Villages catalog and order some fairly traded hemp shorts, sandals, and ponchos. Done.

Activities:
Longboarding seems to be hot with this crowd, but there might not be enough time to get good at it before your camp session. Luckily for you, trusta-hippies have invented all sorts of games for people without much coordination: disc golf, devil sticks, blowing bubbles, and braiding hemp. If you’re a suburban soccer kid, hacky sack is the obvious choice. If you suck at absolutely everything, just put some O.A.R. on blast and dance your heart out. The worse you are, the more irie it’ll be.

Religion:
There’s some complicated messianic stuff about a guy who was the Emperor of Ethiopa, but all you need to be concerned with is the weed. That sweet, sweet ganja my friend. I’m sure it has a legitimate role in the religion, but these aren’t real Rastas you’re trying to impress. Just make sure you can talk about how the man tries to keep you from elevating your mind and getting closer to Jah. Throw in the word “Babylon” as often as you can, and you’ll be golden.

Good luck out there.

Posted in: brain hurricane, droppin science

7 Comments to “Guide to Summer: Fitting In”

  1. Thomas says:

    Last week I went rock climbing. Sunday I sat in the grass and played my ukulele. Going hiking again this weekend, camping and canoe trip next month.

    There are many things to do in the summer. I am no longer a winter addict.

  2. Carl Carlson says:

    Ruthless.

  3. josh says:

    over heard at a rainbow gathering in my youth, “anybody know what time it is in babylon? my asshole dad is wiring me money at 5.”

    no shit.

  4. Greco says:

    nice work jon!

  5. valley says:

    i can see myself in the terrible tuesday edit lolz

  6. jamrock says:

    trustahippies
    better word (and a personal favourite) trustafarians

  7. Jon Hartley says:

    Irie jamrock. I too am an admirer of “trustafarian,” but you might notice that the context needed a slightly larger scope, so it got combined with the much broader “hippies” and all their devil-sticking and seizure dancing.

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