As a proud SASS employee, Ryan knows a thing or two about summer. Unfortunately, he also knows a thing or two about getting stuck behind in North America while all your homies slay pow in Argentina. Out of heartbreak comes, well, semi-aggressive ideas for a summer spent in the northern hemisphere. Enjoy!

Plan A: Get a Summer Job

There’s nothing like convincing your parents that you’re maturing in your teenage years by sweating it out for minimum wage for three months so you can buy your own goggles next season.  A couple popular options are:

Lifeguard

Nothing like watching other people enjoy themselves within arm’s reach for 40 hours a week, while you burn your retinas out and develop a healthy slouching problem in your fiberglass chair.  As you must be attentive for any drowning retards in the deep end, no visual or auditory distractions are allowed; that means no looking at porn to pass the time, and no listening to NPR to keep your mind limber.  Also enjoy the rash from the shitty bathing suit you are sure to be forced to wear.  A healthy tan is the only side-benefit, but who needs a tan when you got game?

Occasionally, your boss will be cool and let you face away from the pool.

Bus Boy

The temps are in the 90’s, the humidity is at about the same number… time to work around ovens, grilles, and boiling-hot dishwashing machines.  If you didn’t own a water bottle before, you certainly will after losing your body weight in sweat while the Mexican cooks make fun of you for being a skinny runt.  No matter how good the food, you will not want to eat it after the first week, and you will, at least once, drop all the dishes in your arms in front of your boss during the busiest shift of the week.  Kitchen work will, however, help you grow a thick skin, as the only ones more miserable than you are the people above you, who have been in the same shitty kitchen for much longer and will unleash this pent-up frustration, usually hidden in their small corner of the kitchen, upon you and your lack of self-esteem.

With his mind clearly in other places, this amateur is soon to spill his load.

Caddy

If you paid attention in school and can actually muster a complete sentence in front of an adult, it might be wise to step it up into one of the better summer gigs.  With no hourly wages and little formal labor structure, there is always the potential you’ll get screwed for tips, but if you keep your head up, follow the ball, and get lucky on a few club recommendations, you’ll have a repeat customer and mad Benjamins in your pocket in no-time.  Just be sure that your virgin ears will hear every version of every curse word under the sun, as your weekending employer for the morning is taking a well-deserved break from his wife to swear with his friends and smoke cigars while hitting a little white ball around the largest playing field of any sport known to man.

But sir, those words make my ears hurt!

Stay tuned for the next installment where Dunfee casts doubt on the heterosexuality of several sports and complains about being injured!