This article marks almost exactly a year since I came into the BroBomb fold and starting churning the waters by producing articles consisting of unresearched claims, shitty Microsoft Paint drawings, and POV edits making fun of my co-workers.  Now that I’ve spent a year convincing mountains to give me free lift tickets so I can make fun of their employees and advising teenagers to get lost and drunk in South America, it’s time to come full-circle by revisiting just one of my claims in my very first article while pushing forward with a completely new set of bogus predictions for the 2011 season.  Enjoy!

1) The New Hotbed of Ski Talent is… Fuck you, Freedle Coty!

Last year, after seeing Level 1’s Superunknown winners come from out west, then from New England, then from Pennsylvania, I was convinced the competition’s next winner, and skiing’s next unexplored zone of ski talent would be from somewhere even more obscure – the South.  Unfortunately, Freedle was paying attention and decided to snub me by picking some dude from Alaska, which is basically the opposite of what I predicted.

Now that I’ve been humiliated, where am I predicting this year’s Superunknown winner will be from?  I dunno, let’s say fucking Finland – now Level 1 will have to go to Korea to prove me wrong.  Good luck assholes!

With the threat of artillery fire from N. Korea, Level 1 will have to risk a lot more to prove me wrong this time.

2) Quebec Annexes Jay Peak

With 250-400 inches of snow annually and some of the best tree skiing anywhere, Jay Peak, mere miles from the Canadian border, has always been a thorn in the eye of ski-hungry Quebec, if “thorn in the eye” is actually a turn-of-phrase.  With the American public focused on the stagnant economy, the fact that nothing can stop Sarah Palin from running for president in 2012, and its armed forces spread thin across the globe, Quebec realizes the time to strike is now, and invades Vermont’s Northeast Kingdom with a troop of Mounties and their one Humvee.

Jay’s 2011 parking lot attendants

After the bloodless coup, visiting shredders find that the lift tickets are sold only in francs, all English trail names and verbiage have been removed including the Jay Peak name itself (now “Le Petite Chamonix”), and poutine, before one of three things available in the base lodge, is now all that is served.  The tiny border outpost that Americans would pass through, drunk and high on their way to Montreal strip clubs, moves to the Jay parking lot, and a few crusty old Vermonters are forced to change the “Take Back Vermont!” slogan painted on their barns to “Reprendre le Vermont!”  The Vermont National Guard arrives to take back the area, but turn back when their Birkenstocks get soaking wet from the snow, and the damp smell of patchouli oil is too much for even the saltiest liberals in the platoon.  Canada’s Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, offers a truce to the White House, but only receives a response months later, the letter having been confused with the pile of requests for autographs from the President from average citizens.

3) Jib Skiers Undergo Soviet-era Shortening Surgery

When Orage tells him that the longest piece of continuous fabric available for his 2012 pro model pant is only 6 feet long, Phil Casabon undergoes surgery to have his calves shortened so his monkey steeze is even more thugalicious.  With his jacket bottom now touching the ground, Orage attaches a mud flap with Red Man’s likeness printed on it to the powder skirt. His partner in short thugness and learning English strictly through pirated BET segments, Henrik “E Dollo” Harlaut, is so jealous of “B-Dog’s” newfound steeze that he has his calves removed completely.  Now without knees and no longer at risk of ACL issues, Henrik is able to keep it sleezy and greezy in the park until he dies from heart disease due to a strict diet of Taco Bell at 103.

4) Nick Martini Gets Stabbed in Southie

Now that ski poles of any functional length are about as relevant in the park scene as Dynafit bindings, most respectable park rats’ poles are only three inches long past the grip.  While filming rails during a blizzard in South Boston, a local gang member mistakes Nick Martini’s ski pole for a switchblade and defends himself by stabbing the jibber with his own, real knife.  Despite having to call an ambulance and suffering major blood loss, Martini is exuberant.  By virtue of his stabbing, he earns the street cred his New Hampshire roots could never give him, and does it while skiing.  Tall-T’s: 1 – BroBomb: 0.

5) Seven TGR members Spontaneously Combust on Teton Pass

Having “flamed” and “jonged” each other over the course of several seasons in the TGR forums for misreading avalanche conditions, making inaccurate weather forecasts, or hating on IPAs, seven separate TGR members inadvertently run into each other at the top of Teton Pass outside Jackson Hole, each recognizing each other from the pictures in their constant TRs (Trip Reports).  Lacking real social skills to deescalate the situation from the years of pent-up animosity, all seven spontaneously combust at the same time.  While collecting evidence at the scene, Park Rangers notice that all seven, with their ski equipment and clothing left behind, had a picture of Sage Cattabriga-Alosa in their wallet in front of the portrait of their own children.

6) Denver Becomes Sin City During SIA

Having moved last year to Denver from Las Vegas, last year’s SIA industry attendees were sorely disappointed by the lack of opportunities to not get any work done and instead blow coke, shred the company credit on hookers, and blow all personal savings in the casino.  Quick to capitalize on the potential profit, a group of Eastern Europeans runs a series of pop-up casinos and whore houses in some warehouse basements near the SIA venue, and the entire snowsports population goes wild.  The cops are only tipped off to the goings-on when Jon Olsson’s custom J. Lindeberg outfit is torn by one of the drug dealer’s pit bulls, and he calls the police to complain.

7) X Games Slopestyle Course Engineers Consult Video Game for Design

Having judged Snow Park Technologies’ past X Games courses as unfavorable to television production and too “rider-friendly,” ESPN hires the NASCAR engineering team to design and build the slopestyle course.  With no snow in Kansas to test their theories, the team spends the fall playing Amped 2 and then draws the course layout in the sand outside their facility in an effort to be poorer and stupider than Danica Patrick.

The team adds three more features to the slopestyle course while shortening the length of the course to 300 meters, ensuring prime TV-ability and maximum rider carnage.  Set up time is now for pussies. Sammy C and Bobby B have a triple duel on the too-small Money Booter, as both are forced to clear the landing by 50 feet to get enough hang time.  You can hear Mike Douglas’ knees cracking in the judges’ booth.

Several of the girls receive massive concussions when taking too much speed into the Bob Burnquist-inspired loop with a gap at the top with a cage of snapping alligators, which is also set on fire for the finals.  Sponsor Village is a scene of massacre and mayhem when Monster brings out its latest creation, “The Monster,” a blend of alien, mastadon, and Evil Knievel DNA mixed with its Mocha Coffee Monster blend, to sign autographs, who instead eats several children while shooting taurine flames from its eye balls.

8) Freeskier Magazine Sets New Precedent for Journalistic Impotence

Long the butt of literary rubber-stamping jokes at BroBomb, Freeskier reaches a new low when it faces pressure from Storm Mountain Publishing to keeps its teenage readership, with the attention span of a gold fish with ADD, returning to the magazine to “read.”  The few readers who paid enough attention in school to make it through a novel are baffled when the January issue consists of nothing but six pages of Shay Will’s retweets of TJ Schiller and Grete Eliassen’s Twitter updates and sixty pages of shitty ads. Everybody else loves it.

9)  *Prediction Removed* [ Editor’s note: What Dunfee wrote for this prediction would have likely garnered a few threatening emails from a certain skier’s “representation.” In the interest of time, we just removed it ourselves.]

10)  Mormons Capitalize on Downed Economy to Spread the Real Good Word

With the down economy seriously dampening sponsorships for the Winter Dew Tour’s final at Snowbasin, Alli Sports makes a last-minute appeal to the Church of Latter-Day Saints, who, seizing on the opportunity for evangelization on prime-time national TV, grab the title partnership.  Instead of grinding a Toyota pickup truck in the slope course, competitors are forced to jump over a 1:2 scale replica of the Mormon Temple, which is still 600 feet high.  An outdoor auditorium built by Disney is purposed for live story telling of the history of Joseph Smith, and chaos briefly breaks out at the firing of hundreds of blanks during the part where the Mormons get chased out of Missouri with guns.  Fans suffer a serious buzz-kill when they find out that the Drake concert they got drunk and high for with the 3.2 beer and weed they smuggled across the state border has been replaced by a performance by the Mormom Tabernacle Choir, but are then assuaged upon hearing their truly melodic tunes.  Mormon missionaries are discouraged to find out that their short sleeves and ties are no match for the cold mountainous winter environment of Snowbasin, and retreat to Provo for warmth.

The new standard for on-course branding presence at 2011 Dew Tour