For Immediate Release:
Y’all know we just dropped that Rocker 2 jawn, and you gotta admit, that shit’s pretty damn cool. It skips our usual tinfoil-meets-cheap-plastic topsheet design and goes right to something you might actually want to see when you look down. Actual skiers are going to use that ski, and they’re probably going to like it. But real rap son…actual skiers don’t mean shit in this industry. It’s them gaper dollars that really keep the lights on and the rent paid.
Now let’s be clear, when I say “gaper” I don’t mean Jersey Joey in a blaze orange one-piece and some rental skis, I mean Texas Tina in her fur-trimmed outerwear and one trip to Alta a year. That bitch has got dough, and she just never bought into that rocker shit we’ve been pushing for the last couple years. We had to drop some shit on her, so we came up with the BBR. Don’t ask me what that shit means, I’m sure it’s got something to do with that floppy-haired girl who sings “Baby.”
“You know your mom wants me.“
What’s so special about the BBR? Who the fuck knows!?! As with all things that come from the Gimmick Department, we came up with the shape by asking children at the nation’s wealthiest preschools to draw a ski that Mommy would like for Christmas. American kids are idiots when it comes to science and engineering, so I doubt that shit will work at all, but 9 out of 10 gapers we polled said the BBR looks totally “hip” and “easy to carry around the village.”
Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Salomon bitch…booyah!
This press release was a parody, the real thing can be found sans snark, swearing, or Justin Bieber jokes at Freeskier.com.
Jon, I wish you wrote all the snooze-inducing, cliche-ridden, bullshit filled, utterly meaningless, auto-deleted press releases that fill my in box. Next time I need one for my company, consider yourself hired. I’m pretty sure I will eliminate a handful of customers that way, but hell, it will be worth reading.
I’m pretty sure I actually laughed the hardest at this line in the actual press release:
“That being said, if you are a really good water skier this ski will pretty much make you a pro.”
The Rocker 2 looks like it has a variation of Surface’s 3-Stage Rocker, but worse. I’ll stick to my LL2′s thank you very much.
Hi BroBomb! A fun fact- those kids that drew the ski actually work in our office. The labor costs are much cheaper. They work for energy drinks! We highly recommend this business model.
“That being said, if you are a really good water skier this ski will pretty much make you a pro.” epic.
[...] we have the crew at BroBomb.com having some fun with what should be the press release for the new Salomon Rocker 2 ski: “Y’all know we just dropped that Rocker 2 jawn, and [...]
making fun of something doesn’t work if the thing you’re making fun of is funier.