Aww, New Year’s Eve: at once, the most overrated holiday since Easter when you were 16, and also the most important night to your girlfriend or spouse next to her birthday, your anniversary, and her birthday, her mom’s birthday, and her nephew’s spelling bee. So much anticipation goes into an evening that sees the changing of years and the slow “dropping” of a plastic crystalline ball courtesy of NBC that it can hardly live up to its own hype. But NYE can’t help it; it’s been egged on in the past decade by a bunch of nerds in 1999 who thought the planes were going to nosedive and the clocks would be set back to a time when women couldn’t vote, Justin Timberlake, Al Roker, Mormons, and other apocalyptically-minded folk. Now that I’ve ruined any stoke you had for tonight, it’s time to plan for the worst. Here’s a couple options for celebrating the weekend you may not have considered.
1) Train for the Apocalypse
Remember, we only have two years until the Wrath of Kahn destroys the Earth and all its living inhabitants for its numerous sins and wipes the slate clean for the few endangered non-human species left to flourish. Keeping that in mind, you might as well train for the inevitable. After thawing the frozen ground with a hair dryer, dig out a bunker, replete with cement walls, Cold-War style bunkbeds, and canned food. Beets and pears are high on the list as well as SPAM. Load the place up with only the people you wouldn’t consider eating once you run out of food, or the fattest people you know for the opposite reason. After sealing the hatch, pop open the symbolic last bottle of champagne and select from a series of apocalyptic films where either Patrick Swayze is forced to shoot his best friend from high school for betraying him on behalf of invading Soviets, or where humans are forced into cannibalism, or in which Kevin Costner is the lead actor. Red Dawn, The Road, Waterworld, The Postman, and Mean Girls are all good choices.
Totally mellow NYE flick.
2) Go to a City to Party
With a guarantee of insane crowds, wall-to-wall assholes, the most expensive drink prices of the year, and no cabs when you’re trying to stumble home wasted in the frozen early morning, New Year’s in the city is a special kind of hell. Times Square is a great place to meet boring honeydews who think going to Times Square on New Year’s Eve is the coolest thing they will do all year. Also, standing outside for hours on end, in a city, at night, is an exercise in stupidity reserved only for the aforementioned people. The truly prepared will roll in with a Camelbak of schnapps.
Assholes for miles.
3) Go Skiing
What might be the most logical option for our limited readership, going skiing on New Year’s Eve weekend is often a great time – the hoards of kooked-out families are so beat up from dealing with their kids the rest of the holiday week that they can barely tolerate the idea of getting on another chairlift, and will surely be drowning their sorrows in cocktails to ease the pain, and will likely just call it a week after they wake up New Year’s Day… at noon.
Follow your heart!
Take advantage of the fact, especially if there’s snow on the way, that no one will be shredding first chair New Year’s Day. By no means does that mean you should take it easy the night before – instead, drink enough hoarded Four Lokos that you can stay up all the way until first chair. Nothing beats skiing pow drunk with no one in front of you to collide with. It’s just so… easy! NYE in ski towns is a greet time to pack a condo full of college buddies and send it as hard as the cougars you meet at the bar who will be three drinks ahead of you the whole time.
4) Go Send It in Cancun
For the truly adventurous, nab a last-minute and overpriced flight to beautiful Cancun, Mexico, where the mexican culture is treated like a zoo animal with a bar serving 150 proof smoothies outside the fence. Enjoy the surreal experience of being herded through a shitty summer camp with free booze. With some of the Earth’s most intolerable people packed into an all-inclusive resort with free food, booze, and beach chairs, there are few options other than suicide or blacking out that will get you through this experience. Not for the light-hearted, a Cancun New Year’s will rob your dignity and sell it back to you like a shitty portrait of you screaming while riding a rollercoaster.
C’mon Dad! Make us proud of your alcoholism!
Happy Last Day of 2010 everyone – it’s been a doozy for us here at BroBomb and thanks for holding it together through our absolutely asinine content stream, from unresearched claims to pure speculation to hate and angst and “Real Deal” Reviews. May the rest of the ski industry man up and put their products through our ultimate test of witty hipster outerwear “evaluation.”
Here’s to an equally ridiculous 2011 everyone,
The “Writers” of BroBomb
