Last week we ran a Rant Contest. There was plenty of pent up rage, and you guys threw down some rather detailed arguments, for Dew, against Dew, and also plenty of attacks on the sexual preferences of those who use Paul Mitchell products and/or wear tall-T’s. Well played.
The finalists shake out as follows: You Bet goes the route of a pretty straightforward anti-Olympics, pro-rail argument, but then spices things up by actually complaining about the prize. BroBomb loves a curmudgeon, welcome to the finals.
Natros makes the tough decision to forgo any actual argument and simply rant about the merits of the sponsor’s (barely) caffeinated beverage, and complain like a geezer about tall-T’s. To be honest, I just really liked this part: “To get enough caffeine from Dew, you would have to chug so much of it, you would be pissing mid run. Which, come to think of it, could be kind of cool. ‘Torin Yater Wallace just pulled the 270 on, golden sprinkler, to 450 pretzel. Amazing!!’”
B-Ladd bucks the trend by opening with a “fuck you” to Natros and then mounts an argument that’s pro judged contests and anti whining.
So now you get to pick the winner. I’ve pasted all of the finalists after the jump, you can read them, or vote on a whim….like a Dew Tour judge, BOOM!
I am no ski event judge, nor do I care to be. I am a simple observer of neato things that happen at the Xgames, or dew tour. I have observed stunt skiing pander to FIS for quite a while now, I don’t really remember when it started to be honest. But I do know that we have been trying to get into the pockets of those Olympic guys for kind of quite a while, and those dusty old farts don’t care to see you wrecking your skis on those damn rails… thus the lack of scoring for the jibbing section of any slopestyle stunt course. These are people we try to impress, but they don’t get what’s going on, and if they don’t get what is going on, the general public is not going to understand what is going on, and so on and so forth. maybe 2% of your score is going to come from doing amazing tricks on the obstacle portion of the track, so you can’t just skip them, but if you just spin on a box/rail flip out of a cannon, and then don’t fall on your jumps, especially the “money booster”, you will probably score high. If you want to win the god damn money, you better throw down super hard on the jumps, cause that is what we came to see. (The audience and the judges have a better view of that anyways) so for those guys who aren’t double corking/ double poking/ double grabbing their 900/1080/1260 combos, it doesn’t friggin matter that they can do crazy things on the crazy things, because its only worth 4 or 5 points to do it anyways.
Trust me, one of those Quebetian sons of bitches starts destroying the field through the “Wall Street 2: money never sleeps” section of the course, those jib points will start to matter, then everyone gets a fair score.
Or just put the rails at the bottom of the course, even if most of the crowd just walked over from the skidoo course, during a heat break.
So can I actually get a Beldon Jacket in grey, and Ralston pant? Seafoam and blue is like so early millenium… and that;s another thing, what the crap is with all of the horrible outdated designs for this year? Jesus! I don’t want a logo jacket, or a windbreaker, or a brutal offshade of some crazy muted neon. I want a nice roomy longish coat with some pants with some shape to them, I want them to be probably a 15/10 because I don’t ski or walk or hike in torrential downpours, I don’t live in fernie or whistler or washington where it could rain at any given moment (see what I did there?) or where the relative humidity is like 280%. I don’t plan on spending money for goofy features like speakers in my collar, or shiny jacket interiors. Just give me some pockets, a useful media pocket like the ones sessions made like 8 years ago, taped seams and a nice long removable powder skirt preferably one with an elasticky draw string instead of a grippy stretch band that fucks up my tall tee underhang!
“the dew tour???” seriously??!!! when was the last time mountain dew was extreme? like mid 90′s, when there were in your face commercials with people passing each other cans mid flight while sky diving, or some crazy aussies surfing like their lives depended on it, but acting like it wasn’t a big deal. the dew tour? what a joke. there’s nothing extreme or action sports-y about mountain dew. it doesn’t even have enough caffeine to get me worked up enough to throw a 180, much less a 2400 or whatever the hell the kids are throwing these days. plus that yellow 5 shit totally lowers your sperm count, basically making you LESS macho,less extreme, less badass. now if it were the “extra large coffee with two shots of espresso tour” you might be onto something. that shit will really jack you up to where you might actually throw down something impressive. i mean, to get enough caffeine from dew, you would have to chug so much of it, you would be pissing mid run. which,come to think of it,could be kind of cool. “torin yater wallace just pulled the 270 on, golden sprinkler, to 450 pretzel. amazing!!”
And another thing. whats with all the dresses? these frickin kids wondering around looking like skittled-out cross dressers, neon shit dragging around their ankles. and one dress would be bad enough, but apparently the layered look is “in” for 2011, so they wear 2 3 or more different colored dresses, each one slightly smaller than the last,like some fucked up psychedelic cross dressing version of those russian dolls that fit inside each other.
So you’ve got little kids in dresses, thinking they are extreme cuz they drink some watery barely caffeinated crap, doing ballet on metal surfaces. and that’s supposed to be skiing??????!!!!!!!!!!
First off, fuck you Nastros, Mountain Dew is fucking delicious.
Secondly, is everyone still on this whole style over spin to win shit? It’s a competition, this is the way it’s been for the past however many years. The fastest racer wins, and the dude who does the biggest craziest trick is gonna podium. Especially in a sport where there aren’t any particular parameters for style and it’s all incredibly subjective. Why does B-Dog fail to podiuk time after time despite innovative and stylish rail sections? Dude doesn’t have a single double in his bag. Like it or not, a switch dub 12 is harder and more technical then a switch 10, and when both tricks are grabbed blunt the whole way through, which one do you think will win? Sorry to break it to everyone who hates hucking, but if you grab a dub the whole way through, that shit’s stylish, and it’s gonna win. If you want to see cool, innovative tricks, pop in a movie, if you wanna see some dude go mach looney into a jump and do way more spins and flips than you could ever dream of, then watch a major competition.
I can understand when you guys say you’d rather go skiing on your own then watch a competition-fucking duh, who wouldn’t? What most of you guys probably don’t understand is that competing, believe it or not, is actually fun for some people. I grew up competing in moguls and then slopestyle through high school, and it was always fun to travel to different mountains, meet new kids, and let competing push me to progress my own skiing. I can’t think of how many tricks I wouldn’t have tried if it weren’t for the fact that I wouldn’t stand a chance in competition without them.
The Dew Tour is awesome because it does broadcast the type of skiing we do to a broader audience. Yeah it’s made for TV, but what competition at that level isn’t? Competition skiers aren’t better than film skiers and vice versa, they’re just different. Now stop bitching about stuff that doesn’t affect you, and go back to doing half-assed imitations of all the tricks Max Hill and Mike Hornbeck do, because guess what (gasp!) those guys ski for the camera too, and all you anti-competition kids bite their steeze just as hard as that 14-year old who saw Bobby Brown on TV.