The Red Bull Stratos

This was a big week for action sports brands. A company hawking tons of sugar water came out with only their second product ever, which was an escape pod tied to a hot air balloon that can climb into space and let Austrians jump out of it for the ultimate thrill – breaking the speed of sound while in a vomit-inducing death spiral. An experience now previously available only to members of the Air Force’s experimental aircraft project is now available to the super-rich. No word if Romney will purchase one so he can be be lofted 120,000 feet above average Americans, Presidents, and debate moderators.

The GoPro Hero 3

Then GoPro came out with the Hero 3, which is certain to adorn every gaper at every mountain with a day ticket pricier than $80 come Christmas. The new camera has in fact such high resolution that it can detect enriched uranium and low self-esteem in addition to the crappy everyday stunts most consumers waste their time trying to capture. All Hero 3′s also come with a complimentary editing program that automatically inserts a low-resolution Monster, Red Bull, or Rockstar logo at the beginning of your vacation edit, puts all your best shots together, edits them incoherently, and then throws a Glitch Mob song over it. Gopro will even be hosting a contest this winter where the amateur that films the least interesting skiing with the most annoying and nausea-inducing camera mounts (say, back of the knee or in a crotch vent) and edits it with the least amount of color correction will win a giant ego boost. Hurray!

Full Tilt x Level 1 Limited Edition Team Issue Boot

Then to top it off, Full Tilt and Level 1 came out with a collabo boot, which has been autographed in weird bodily fluids by your favorite pros, like Tom Wallisch and Will Wesson. It comes with a CD that you can heel-stomp with the boot’s Active Shock footboard, proving the boot’s ease in deflecting foreseen shocks and bumps. It also includes a bunch of Level 1 DVD’s so you can occupy yourself trying to find David Crichton’s best segment while the Intuition liners mold to your hideous bunions, dead toenails, and cankles. The toepieces feature opposing magnets that will ensure you can nail those eighteen flat box switch-ups and future spins that you’ve been dreaming of. Also, one lucky consumer will be given a free internship with Full Tilt marketing manager Josh Malczyk. The winner will get to look over Josh’s shoulder as he watches episodes of Gray’s Anatomy in a dark warehouse in Seattle, and spend the rest of the time stacking boxes of Crock Pots, Mr. Coffee, Oster toasters, and other fine Jarden Corporation consumer products.