The 2nd photo that came up in a search for “god of Instagram”

By Brody Leven

While no one will accept your apology for a late entrance to Instagram (“Oh, you don’t have an iPhone? Borrow money from your parents.”—Mitt Romney), I can at least offer fundamental guidance while everyone else scoffs at your lack of social media savvy with these Commandments of The Holy Game of Instagram, which I recently came across carved into the rock at the top of an unnamed Columbian peak.

The #selfie, part of Commandment #1.

1. Thou shalt never ski a fortnight without capturing some form of #selfie. Acceptable subjects include thy goggle reflection from a summit, skis and legs from a chairlift, or Myspace-style après in a lodge.

2.  Thou shalt not bear false witness, which, in this case, is liking your own ‘Grams.

3. Thou shalt not commit adultery by placing other social media platforms before Me…though sharing photos unto Twitter and Facebook is mightily encouraged at the hour of posting.

4. Thou shalt not kill my popularity hence its time has cometh. I refuse to die the death of MySpace.

5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s followers, and shall instead garner a following entirely of thy own by foregoing a job in favor of liking any and all photos.

Wheh, that was close… Brody nearly misses the hashtags. We believe @willbiname is just a separate account he uses for self-congratulatory purposes. 

6. Hashtags, in all of their wit-ridden irony, shalt not betray the message of the image that they represent. #iphoneonly, #nofilter, #HDR and #argentina shalt receive preferential treatment. #bikinis isn’t funny.

7. If thee fails to surf from May to November, thy followers count shalt never exceed 1000. For My game is a surfer’s game, and even skiers shalt abide.

8. Thy only camera shalt be that of thy iPhone, and never that of anything that ends in “-D.” The only acceptable device shalt begin with “4” and culminate with “S.” Or, for the most devoted, a “5” shall stand alone.

9. Remember the holy photo always, and never begrudge a mercenary for his/her request for thee to “Stand still!” to “Do that again,” or to “Walk slowly toward the summit with your chin up while looking over your right shoulder.”

10. Under no circumstances shall thy Following exceedeth thy Followers. Ideally, thy Following is under 300 and thy Followership is four digits.

A strict adherence to these commandments will aid your Instagame and prevent you from looking like a fool with nothing to do on your phone during rush hour. It won’t, however, put you within spitting distance of The Instagramming Skier Who Shall Not Be Named.

Bonus commandment:

• If thee covets recognition for thy ‘Gram game, diverging from the square aspect ratio in favor of a shorter or narrower frame will attract the attention thy seeks from The Feed.

For more spiritual technology guidance, and lots of information about weird things unrelated to skiing like crevasses, belaying, and carabiners, please go to brodyleven.com. For those seeking immediate guidance in the playing of the Great Gram Game, please follow @brodyleven.