JP Auclair and the Sherpas inspire the first round of kids to actually ski down the street like we all dream of.

In addition to being funny, really smart, and courageous enough to occasionally call the ski industry on their bullshit, we’re also extremely narcissistic.  While we might not have a series of print ads dedicated to us by some no-name snowboard company, several media moguls have recently recognized the outsize wake our small blog produces in the stormy seas of endemic ski media.  After three years of not fact checking a single article, we’ve been given high praise for our humor and wit by ESPN Freeskiing/Walt Disney Company Freeskiing and the one and only Outside Magazine (online).

While graciously accepting our awards for Best Humor Site and #6 of Top Ten Snowsports Blogs, we must also in our vanity air some complaints.  Chiefly, that we’re funnier than you give us credit for.  I would have replaced “Skiing so rad and French it will melt your face… into a baguette” with “But it wasn’t long before the German house DJs/industrial designers at Oakley, still hungover from taking too much ecstasy in the 90’s, beat the simple, clean Crowbar into Klausian submission” or any of my insults intended for the Church of Latter Day Saints or more straight-forward industry celebrity callouts such as, “Fuck you, Freedle Coty!” 

From Outside Magazine Online.

Complaints aside, these episodes of public gratification come at an opportune time, as I am currently applying to several more traditional snowsports media outlets and softgoods companies that are no doubt pining for my bottomless talent.  It’s time to cash in on all this wit – after all, this freelance thing and coaching 5 year olds on the weekends has been fun, but sooner or later homeboy’s gonna want some benefits and a cubicle so he can finally go armchair quarterbacking full-time.  In an effort to let you all in on my professional life, I have created the following poll to see which of my current applications I should pursue the most aggressively.  These are all proxies for the actual organizations I’m applying to.

For those of you unfamiliar with my extensive talents, please refer to this video profile created for my failed bid to be the Association of Freeskiing Professionals’ Content Manager:

Weezy shows some big props for Sarah Burke on “Weezy’s Sports Corner Skate News.”

More smooth, soothing jams from the stilts up in Cascadia.  Jeffrey Kohnstamm checks in with a new Kohmposition from Timberline.  Apparently the Detroit Titans have a lot of sympathy in these parts.  Skiing by Nick Marsland and Drew Stewart.

The precursor to the Jordan Spohr finger-flip trick tip.  Also quite possibly the first ski footage from Snow Summit since Freeze Magazine (RIP) ran Parkasaurus there in the early millennium.  Who can resist?  Also plenty of good entertaining skiing.  And we (I) will post pretty much anything from Bear Mountain.  Legoland for jibbers.

Ski Logik Bomb Squads

What’s to Love:  No hype – without a doubt the best ski I’ve skied anywhere but the park.  At first sight, the Bomb Squads did not look like a ski I was going to be into; the super-directional sidecut, set-back stance did not look like I was going to help me land those backcountry 180’s I never do, and the tribal wood graphics looked like something out of a Phish tribute gift store.  However, these big skis (188 cm; 148/122/143; 4250 grams) made skiing well so goddamn easy.  The huge, super damp tip (superlight woods w/carbon fiber) just gives you an insane amount of stability in pow, chunder, bumps, and any kind of technical skiing, despite the massive tip.  And it still rails groomers.  Not that any of you do that.  Enjoying groomers is the worst sin of the hard-core freeskier.

What’s to Hate:  Sorry, no BentChetler graphics here.  I could care less given how amazing these skis are, but you can order any SkiLogik ski in a variety of topsheets, with some options more exciting than others. All hand-inlaid.

Where to get it: Retails for $850.  SkiLogik.com

While keeping a low profile, BroBomb used all of 2011’s ad revenue, $36.78, to buy a cab halfway to the airport to fly to Denver to get to SIA. You didn’t see us at the show? We took over Ninthward’s booth for a couple hours while they wandered off and skipped all their buyers’ meetings to eat mushrooms in the bathroom.  We gave away free goatees to anyone we saw wearing a Flexfit hat at a crooked angle. Since then more than half our views have come from the Denver TapOut MMA league, and I just got a card in the mail for a free neck piercing next time we’re in town. We also stole Brooke Geery’s tallboy when she passed out in a hallway.  We shared it. It was way more fun than the chardonnay the nerds from Kjus were sneaking media folks in their booth.

If you didn’t see us, that’s okay; we were all disguised in Beardhats anyway.  If we’d been recognizable, we wouldn’t gotten hit up way too many times by pro skiers praising our genius, and we wanted to get some real work done instead.  We actually just spent the entire time snaking Camel lights from Jon, but after looking at Newschoolers’ copious 2013 product photos, here’s what we think are the five hottest trends for next season:

1)   Ski Touring is Wicked Fucking Cool

4FRNT, stepping up from the re-branded Tyrolias of years past with a new touring binding.

After all this time thinking consumers wanted convenient lift-serviced skiing, the ski industry is finally learning that everyone would rather just kick their own ass for hours on end to get one decent run.  Now that all the weekend warriors are obsessed with punishing themselves all summer long at Tough Mudders, the winter equivalent–ski touring/mountaineering–is finally offering some good products (mostly bindings) beyond Dynafit and Marker.  Expect to shop for touring bindings from 4FRNT, Salomon, and Atomic next year that will totally make your skis look badass…er in the liftline.

2)   Ski Clothing Sort of Grows Up

After getting spoon-fed Dayglo like a suppository for years, the ski industry appears to be embracing more modest tones at a steady rate.  However, not everyone is pumped on the more muted colors of 2013.  According to one NS member looking at next year’s Voleurz collection, “If I wanted to pay a ton of money to look like I shopped at a thrift store that was out of anything that fit me I would go to American Apparel.”

3)   Exclamation Points!

If Newschoolers’ SIA news section is an indication of trends to come, it’s likely that the exclamation point will replace “stoked” in 2013.  In order to keep the level of excitement perpetually high, all sentences, however drab, must end in an exclamation point.  I.e. “Nordica brings polished brass instep screws to 2013 boots!  All photos by David Peacock!”  We’re not sure how this change in vocabulary will play out in spoken word, but we’re pretty sure there will be a lot of yelling on the slopes next season.

4)   Green Is In

Either Skiing Magazine has a colorway-obsessed readership or their online editor is just really lazy.  They mentioned the color green as a trend three times in their “SIA 2012 Trends” article.  If there really was so little going on at SIA this year that Skiing ended up posting multiple photos of products they found that were, of all things, green, I guess product development has slowed down to a glacial pace.

5)   Mediocre Chicks in Uggs and Swimsuits Giving Away Chapstick

While degrading women has only been a mid-range marketing tool for a consumer base full of kids who’d rather shotgun a Monster than ask a girl on a date, part of the SIA experience is walking around until you get offered some high-altitude breathmints by a busted chick wearing too much makeup and no clothing.  Skullcandy’s got it down to a science, packing their booth with sluts handing out trucker hats or dumb sunglasses.  It’s apparent that sex will attempt to sell ski gear all the way through 2013.  We’ve already booked a toothless hooker from Ouray to come down for BroBomb’s 2013 booth to give away free quickies… and chapstick with Jon’s face on them.

Area 52. Hot Possie. Tight pants. Handplants.

Like clockwork, Candide Thovex, the French Michael Jordan, has changed ski sponsors.  While Candide has remained on Quiksilver for as long as he’s been skiing, the rate at which he changed ski sponsors has continued with such regularity it’s a small industry joke.  First Dynastar, then Salomon, then Rossignol, then Coreupt, and now Faction Skis.  Candide has done his part to keep the sponsors within the Euro zone, but has changed sponsors as often as Winona Ryder shoplifts, usually leaving the former in his wake with unsold Candide pro models.  What do you think?

This video, “Cold Faces” from North Cascade Productions is an appropriate venue to launch the latest BroBomb poll.  Answer true to yourself so we can sell the data to Newt 2012.