In what is perhaps the most audacious of their attempts to date, the diligent minds behind robot-human sensation Nick Goepper have pulled out all the stops in the latest episode of what they are calling Project Why Won’t You Fucking Love Him Already?!
While previous installments of the Goepper administration’s polemical project fell short of their intended targets, hopes are high that a breakthrough has finally been made. “We took some time off to really sit down and think about just what went wrong last time,” said the Goepper House Chief Of Staff. “One of our main failings in the early incarnations of this project was that we underestimated just how little anyone cared to see Nick skiing on his own,” he went on. With that in mind, Goepper’s publicists abandoned the solo-shred avenue, and focused on proving that Nick “totally has friends, okay guys?”
“Nick loves to just kick it and ski with the gang,” the spokesperson continued, “and although we were a little apprehensive about a group calling themselves the ‘Pelican Squad,’ we thought hey, that might just be the quirky twist we were looking for. Pelicans and skiing – I mean how irreverent can you get?”
Armed with this renewed enthusiasm, Goepper’s publicists released NG and Pelican Squad on the Road to Sochi on Newschoolers.com. And boy did they pull out all the stops. Not only did they abbreviate Nick’s name to “NG” (hey, edgy!), they tactfully and wittily filled in the video description and credits with sarcastic references to Olympic training. “Sarcastic…?” one member of Goepper’s camp was heard saying moments before being yanked away from the microphone by another panicked staff member.
Throughout the video Goepper can be seen and heard denouncing the criticisms that have been previously directed towards his comp-jock persona and general lack of human qualities. There is a distinct focus on giving Nick a chance to speak directly to his fans, something that was missing in previous edits. “We spent a lot of time updating Nick’s speech functions. Err, I mean we just told Nick to let loose and show the people his funny side,” explained one of Goepper’s technicians. In addition to improved speech patterns, Goepper’s style was also given a further, more rugged update. “We really liked what we saw with the no-poles technique last time, and we wanted to carry on in that vein,” explained Goepper’s style liaison. “One of the big criticisms we got last time was the weird, properly-fitting outerwear Nick had on, so we went in a totally different direction. As you can see, Nick’s unbuttoned flannel really shows he is a man of the people. ”
While some strides do appear to have been made amongst the plebeian general populace, many Newschoolers members remained skeptical. Indeed the funny thing about Nick’s self-deprecating edit is that he is still training for Sochi. And although it may seem kooky and quirky to suggest that doing so is so laid back and fun, bro, the reality of it is that when you try too hard for something, you lose the critical distance that humour relies upon.
No statement has yet been released from Goepper’s camp as to whether this is the final nail in the coffin of Nick’s foray into non-comp ski culture. But with the games in Sochi fast approaching, Goepper’s people will have to make tough decisions as to what slant they wish to put on his image. “I just don’t know anymore,” lamented one executive, “that straight-cut outerwear is really calling to me.”